Break me, Shake me
by Yvy
Summary: Rhade is back, Rhade is drunk and a broken man. Beka and him have a little talk.


Rhade was back, if he was not so torn up, angry and constantly attached to some kind of liquor, Beka might have felt a little happier. Instead, there he would be sat staring into his shot glass, his bottle or even just at the wall, his normally intense brown eyes would be bloodshot and he would have the overall appearance of a lunatic. Or if he were feeling particularly adventurous, he would simply pass out straight away. Tonight option B was the case.

Beka tiptoed past Rhade, treading as lightly as she could; the beautiful boy had fallen asleep on the floor again. Except, why she still considered him beautiful was a complete mystery to her. She stood looking down at him with pity in her eyes; Beka could not help but wonder whether he would ever get over this one.

"Beka?" Dylan whispered. "Have you seen Rhade? We were meant to meet to discuss..." He stopped abruptly and followed her gaze down. Dylan cursed under his breath. Beka looked up at him and jerked her head.

"Are you going to help me move him or not?" She asked impatiently, she was fed up with finding Rhade asleep in the Maru's bar every night, passed out in some alcohol-fuelled stupor. She voiced her opinion to Dylan, who only shrugged as he lifted Rhade up and slid his arm under him. Rhade grunted, mumbling something about toast and was out again.

"Look Rhade has been having a tough time, you know that." Dylan was as always trying to be the hero- only this time that meant sticking up for the drunk. "Gillian betrayed him in the ultimate way really, Rhade's kids aren't his. So considering that all he wanted to do was to pass on his genes or whatever, I think he has the right to be a bit upset."

"I know all that, but Dylan, we both know what happens when Rhade drinks- it isn't a pretty sight."

As they had been talking, they had been moving Rhade up and onto a bed, tilting his head back, heaven forbid he should choke on his tongue. This had become Beka's little ritual, one that she performed every night to ensure that Rhade did indeed wake up the following day. Usually Beka was alone in doing this but today there was Dylan. Helping as he put it.

"He won't be awake for at least six hours Dylan, so I suggest you come back then." Beka said, breathing heavily, Rhade was not light. "And thanks for the help too."

"No problem." He paused and let out a deep sigh, the years he had spent running around the universe were finally catching up with him. "Rhade needs help."

Dylan felt helpless, he hated feeling helpless. He was Captain Dylan Hunt. He was not helpless. Ever.

"What Rhade needs is a bloody miracle." Beka said under her breath, poking Rhade in the side with her finger. He grunted again and then was still, all that came from him was erratic breathing.

Beka wondered whether, under normal circumstances, he snored.

"Goodnight Dylan"

"Night Beka. Rhade" He gave a sarcastic nod to the sleeping Nietzschean and left.

* * *

Beka stayed by his side the whole night, staring blankly at the wall behind where he slept. She thought bleakly to herself that the Maru was in need of a paint job. Soon. Possibly in black.

She fell asleep her head resting on the end of the bed in which Rhade lay.

* * *

The sun was streaming in though the open window, white curtains flapping silently in the breeze. The sound of children laughing drifted through from outside. It was getting louder, nearer. Rhade smiled as he opened his eyes.

"Morning Daddy." Said a boy in white pyjamas, perched on the end of the bed. "Mother said I could wake you." This boy was smiling intensely at him. Rhade frowned as he tried to remember where he was. His mind was blank, filled with sleep. He squinted at the intense morning light, wondering why everything was so white. Then he remembered- Gillian loved white.

"Where am I kid?" He asked the boy, who jumped forward and sat on top of Rhade. Ever smiling.

"You're at home, silly." The boy poked him on the cheek.

"Something's not right." Rhade growled, he promptly turned over and fell asleep again. He was beginning to get a headache. All this pure white bliss and still no cure for a simple headache. He had the same dream every night, he hated it. It was too perfect. He did not want to be here. He did not _want_ Gillian. He did not want the boy, to him the boy symbolised all he had lost. Why couldn't he start again?

The boy in white pyjamas suddenly called out. "Daddy, wake up, Daddy!"

Rhade tossed and tried to push him off, but still the boy persisted. He felt the poking of his cheek begin again. "Wake up!"

"Oh for crying out loud. Wake up!"

When Rhade did finally open his eyes again, he found he was on the Maru, tangled up grey sheets, with an angry looking Beka poking him in the cheek. Rhade growled and grabbed at her wrist.

"Don't do that, Beka."

"Sheesh Rhade, no good morning? No hope you had a good sleep Beks." And so the torrent of abuse begins, thought Rhade bitterly. Beka was speaking too loud, it was all jumbled, he was tired and couldn't care less whether Beka hated him this morning or not. So he decided to surprise her.

"Thank you." Rhade mumbled into the bed sheets, Beka froze a mere inch away from poking Rhade again. Had he been looking at her, he would have seen the of confusion that passed over Beka's face, those were the moments he lived for, Beka confused, Beka annoyed, Beka when she was laughing at him, laughing with him was even better. I have a headache, he thought.

"What? What are you thanking me for? Poking you? You're still drunk aren't you Rhade?"

Rhade felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips. He quickly stopped it. If he smiled, Beka would win. He may be thanking her but he still had some dignity to keep. "Well I obviously end up in a bed every night somehow and my guess is you put me there. Thank you."

Beka grinned back at him; maybe he would not be in such a mood today. It had been months since he had joined the crew again, he had come back a broken and bitter man. Maybe the dark cloud was finally beginning to lift. She didn't say anything; she knew how hard it must be for him to say what he had just said.

"Are you there yet Rhade?" Beka asked patiently.

"What do you mean?" Rhade rolled onto his back, groaning as he realised how sleeping on the floor was not good for back pain.

"Are you there yet? Are you over it all? You get drunk to forget about what Gillian did, then once you're drunk you think about what Gillian did. Then you fall asleep. Then I move you. Then the next day you're getting drunk again. It's a vicious circle. One that in the end is gonna kill you. "

"Yeah and you'd love that wouldn't you Beka?"

Beka sighed. When she spoke next her voice was small. "Rhade, I have spent my life watching the people I care about do exactly what you're doing now. Hell my father did this for twenty years."

"What do you mean 'this'? Rhade looked at her, noticing how tired she looked. Her blue eyes were dull, her mouth downturned and she was curled up in a blanket sitting on the floor, her head resting on the wall next to Rhade's. Her gaze met his and she smiled sadly.

"When my mother left, dad turned to drink and- as I later found out flash too. He would get so drunk he'd start shouting at the walls thinking my mother was there. I was so scared. He was a mess. It was horrible and then he got ill. Really ill and I don't think the drink and the flash and god knows what else helped. So to be honest with you, this drowning your sorrows or whatever you want to call it. It scares me Rhade. I'm scared for you. I'm scared that I am going to lose someone else I love. That's all that ever happens in my life. I lose."

Beka looked very much like a child then. Then something she had said got through his alcohol-drenched mind.

"You love me?" He asked, very much puzzled. This Valentine hated him. His headache was getting worse and _this_ was the time Beka decides to proclaim her love for him? He didn't know how to react. Did _he_ love her? Could he love her? He was desperately confused.

Beka's defences went up. "What? Where the hell did you get that from?"

Rhade sat up, still staring at her, trying to look her in the eye. "You said and I quote 'I'm scared I'm going to lose someone else I love'. "

He paused, expecting Beka to argue her point about slip of tongue or mumble something about how he had it totally wrong. Instead she just sat there staring into space.

"Beka?"

"I guess I do" she said slightly shocked.


End file.
